Mark Driscoll Is the New Pat Roberson

For 47 years Pat Robertson has been the voice of spiritual wisdom on the 700 Club, but a number of health issues have plagued Robertson for the past several years and now he is preparing to pass the mantle of his authority to someone new.

“God spoke to me,” said the Robertson as his head bobbed back and forth, “and told me, actually spoke to me and said that the time is coming soon when I will have to turn over the reins, and I wasn’t too happy about it.”

“Did he tell you who your replacement would be?” asked his co-host Terry Meeuwsen.

“Well, he did,” said Pat.  “And I’m pleased to welcome the new face of the 700 Club, my good friend Mark Driscoll.  From this point forward, for the next 47, 57, 67 years, I don’t know, he’ll be the one to make misogynistic comments, and failed predictions about the outcome of elections in my place.  He’ll be the one to pray away storms and hurricanes, or to blame gays, liberals, and Muslims if hurricanes make landfall.”

Mark Driscoll shook his head and said, “I’ll do my best to carry on Pat’s legacy of ignorance and hate.  I’ll continue to encourage fat housewives to drop a few pounds and to put on make up to please their husbands. I’ll continue to lash out at various political figures and to call for their assassinations. 

Driscoll smiled and then flexed his arms to show his muscles and said, “I’ve already started including Pat’s Age-Defying Protein Pancakes in my diet.  I can already lift more, and feel healthier than I have in years.”