No More

I thought that things were getting better for my friend.  Maybe I’d wanted to believe that.  Maybe I wanted to believe it more than he did.

He has a lot of personal demons, deeply rooted issues that he’s not able face.  He’s been beaten up (physically as well as emotionally and spiritually) for most of his life.  And so he drinks as a way to retreat, and he provokes those who would be his friend in order to drive them away. He just called me a few moments ago to tell me that he’s dropping out of his involvement at the church.  Again.  He’s done this before.  It’s a bit of a pattern for him. 

Livin' on the edge of night

You know the sun won't go down slow

You don't know which drug is right

Can't decide which way you wanna go

I feel the way you feel

'Cause not so long ago

It had a hold on me

I couldn't let it go

It wouldn't set me free

It wouldn't set me free

No more, no more, no more.

He’s told me about some of his struggle, and my heart breaks for him.  There isn’t much that is easy in his life.  The progress I thought we were making was undone this week.  He was robbed the other night, and though he says that he wasn’t hurt, the incident has brought all the old patterns right back up.

Seemed like the easy thing

To let it go for one more day

Like singin' the same old song

And twistin' the words

In a different way

Where did the magic go

I searched high and low

I can't find it no more

I can't get it back

I can't find it no more

I can't find it no more

No more, no more, no more, no more.

It’s a few hesitant steps forward and then a collapse and a retreat. I don’t want him to slip away.  I don’t want him to push us away.  And I’m worried.  It is a significant investment of time and emotional energy to reach out to him and we’re entering into the most hectic and busy and draining part of my year.  During this next month and a half I’ll barely have time for myself and my family. I’m worried that I won’t have enough left over to offer him – and that his retreat will go further and deeper.

Searchin' for quality

Havin' to have the very best

Now scroungin' for quantity

Never havin' time

To do the test

That's how the story goes

Can't put it down

Till the last page

I can't put it down

I can't put it down

I can't put it down.

“No More” – Neil Young 1989 on the album Freedom