Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope #19

Aries – It is foolish to go chasing after fire and flame the way that you do.  Relax.  The world is not falling apart; we are not, as you have been told, “less than 19 months from Armageddon.”

Taurus – You used a MINOR deception to steal 215 meteors from the moon.  But the authorities are no longer fooled. They have figured out how you pulled it off.  You are discovered.

Gemini – In ten years of Imprisonment you have found nine coins.  Still, that is not enough to cover the cost of treating your panophobia.

Cancer – The Queen is false.  The sidewalk is split and the road collapsed.  Take the suspense or the suspension bridge.

Leo – She stood in the window, watching as you walked away.  Tarnished beauty and smoke in the distance. Will you stay away another 36 weeks?

Virgo – No.  What you’ve said so far is NOT a reasoned critique or detailed examination of the issues at hand.  How could it be?  You’ve kept the camera focused on yourself for the entire 98 minutes of the film.

Libra – Mephistopheles is offering you a drink from the cup of vanished childhood memories.  Do you recall when you were 12 and you fell down the well?  No?  Perhaps these are not your memories.  Perhaps you should not drink from the cup he offers you.

Scorpio –The Hermit has left his cave and come into the city to speak with us.  This is a rarity.  He has not left his self-imposed exile since 1653.  I suggest that we listen to what he has to say.

Sagittarius – The King of Coins, a ruthless and selfish king, is training his military guard to hunt endangered species of birds with Rocket Propelled Grenades (RPGs).  He is a vicious man, cruel and unreasonable, without faith, without humility.  It is only a game to him.

Capricorn – “Aliens do not exist.  The surface world does not exist.”  This is the message.  Do not deviate from these talking points. 

Aquarius – The Old Chariot rolls along, churning and burning all that comes before it, heedless of obstacles, heedless of the cries of its victims.  It makes no apology.  It crushing bone and smears the lane with gore.  Stay out of its path.

Pisces – Constipation is the hobgoblin of small intestines and small minds are not disturbed by the snake handlers in the smoky back rooms of Congress.  Stop being so naïve.