A Classified Memo from Dr. Zorka

CLASSIFIED MEMO: 243 – 2 – 6151 – 84
Date: [REDACTED]
From: Dr. Zorka (Alchemical Civil Defense)
Subject: The Death of Dr. Tarrec and ROCKET ATTACK USA

[REDACTED]

Our friends in Europe report that Dr. Tarrec [REDACTED] is dead – broadcasting with code interruptions - and that exercise 47 is a failure. ROCKET ATTACK USA is no Sputnik. We must continue research and development. But, as reliable as our operatives have been in the past, we must discount this report. This is not a case of deliberate prevarication on their part. They probably believe that they saw the plane crash and explode. They probably believe that they themselves sifted through the bones and ashes and that they made identification of Tarrec’s remains from the carbonized fragments of his femur, but Tarrec has proven himself again and again capable of deceiving the world’s greatest forensic experts. His much vaunted alchemy skills really are magnificent.

I have squared off against Tarrec at least a dozen times in the last century. You would do well to trust my misgivings in this case.

A scream in the dark indicates an infestation of oversized arthropods, crawling up from the basement.  Use pistols and smoke grenades. Fire at them until they cease to struggle, until they cease to make jokes about Nixon and Reagan. Conventional sprays will be of no effect. Crashing timbers may result if left untreated.

The New Cold War is good business for our exporters of paranausea and jingo based beverages. Children will drink it down with their after school snacks. You can’t believe all those stories printed in the paper. Why are you even reading the newspaper? Sputnik is no ROCKET ATTACK USA. CIA operatives are masturbating near the Caspian Sea. The NSA is listening on two different (uncoded) channels. And we have propaganda prepared for just such an occasion, ready to move. We will launch a thousand angry blog posts with bitter recrimination based on faulty information (not to say, outright lies.) We’re ready to fire a thousand amateur videos and our talk show hosts are standing by to cycle through their prepared rants on each of the talking points.

The Dead One (Tarrec) was (is) not in favor of this course of action. This, in itself, should be ample justification for our adoption of this plan – enemy of my enemy and other assorted half-assed aphorisms that pass for foreign policy around her. The house band plays louder to hide their lack of talent. And it should go without saying (but it won’t) that we also have agents ready to vociferously disagree on every point in this memo. We cannot afford to be anything other than predictably opaque.

Incoming satellite data is incomplete, but our scientists maintain that they will be able to complete the ROCKET ATTACK USA missiles on schedule. They say that, or we beat them. Budget cuts have slowed down production. It is regrettable. But our Joint Chiefs assure us that congressional budgets will be reevaluated very soon, and in our favor. Strontium 90 will be applied liberally against those who refuse to sign the line.

The Civil Defense program is a beautiful thing; I dream of it often. I am naked in a backyard bomb shelter. Diplomacy is for pussies. DUCK AND COVER is preferable in any scenario to any soft-shoed floor routine. Boots on the ground and drones in the sky never fail to stiffen my resolve. We must, we must, we must go all the way.

The giant arthropods are the mutated result of our own depleted uranium shells – the ones we explicitly are not using and do not even admit to having.

I shake my head at what we are seeing here; any attempt to stop the proliferation of nuclear weapons – through diplomacy and not the actual use of nuclear weapons – is a despicable, un-American tactic. Shameful. We tell lies about weapons of mass destruction. How dare you attempt to prevent their use!

We do, however, commend the increased use of ROCKET ATTACK USA Missile Drones. We gladly ignore any violation of international law that results from their use.

Dr. Zorka

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