Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope #26

Aries – Has your watch stopped? Your pulse? Check again just to be sure.

Taurus – Is it a wedding or a funeral? The lovely couple is holding hands and standing in a hole. Either way, it is a mystical union and a very pretty dress.

Gemini – You are bleeding from your ear. No. The other one.

Cancer – Have a look at the sea with me, the rocks, the surf. It is beautiful. You’re not afraid of me, are you? Afraid that I might push you over the edge? You needn’t be afraid; you can do magic.

Leo – Next year, when we were younger, we’ll wish we’d never been so old.

Virgo – The ship is out of control. Magnetize the fields of gold. Reduced programmed acceleration by One Eight. We’re now near optic speed. Activate forced maneuvers with graviton reactors. All Deep Space Standard Deviations have been replaced. The arc of the universe is cruel.

Libra – La dame suele au regne. Use your imagination, it is a sort of riddle, something to look for.

Scorpio – A Chime, or a Bell, or a Gong – listen for the music. The future is angry.

Sagittarius – Dreams are to be interpreted to the contrary. Go alone into the dark. A lowly monk will meet you there.

Capricorn – Were you knocked in the head with a heavy club?

Aquarius – Tell us, good sir, are you not, in fact, an evil spirit, a demonic emanation summoned up from the foul depths of hell? Are you not, after all, a false officer, deluded, duplicitous and deceptive? Explain to us your fascination with skulls and death and fire. It is no matter, we will not listen to anything you say.

Pisces – Mesopotamia was a dream with mixed vegetables. Let’s quit while we’re ahead.