Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope #34

Aries – A rude missile fired through the skull, and sooner or later there will be no way out. A history of violent, irrational behavior is not an excuse for irrational, violent behavior. We can treat this with psychotropic pharmaceuticals, but you may not like the side effects, or the side affects.

Taurus – A mountain moving up to the stars, a mountain moving into position. It is the right thing to do. It is the tactical thing to do. Unlock the door and let these things move into place

Gemini – It is not a statement. It is not an accusation. It is a question. Can I say someth… Can I say something? Just let m… if you’ll let me…  You… All right, all right… Are you listen… are you listening to me? Please… Okay, then. Okay. We’ll try again later.

Cancer – Stabilize critical elements. Satirize the non-responsive. Ignore all previous history and never step into the same river twice. Sanitize the paperwork. Keep watching the stairs.

Leo – Usually 10 microns is only a small distance to cross. Your journey, however, will take much longer than expected. Zeno may have been right, after all: it is better to be the tortoise than the famous, vainglorious warrior.

Virgo – I hear the dogs barking three states over. You have heard them too. I know that you have. But they are not there. They are not barking. I know this and you know this, but we hear them, don’t we?

Libra – You go out and then you come back. Where you go you go. You will return. Take earwax, and fingernail clippings, locks of hair and navel lint, and skin scrapings. Travel light. The only other necessary thing is a flashlight.

Scorpio – A confession can be misleading. An apology may be a defense. Watch for candles and caution tape. Take headache powder.

Sagittarius – Cemetery crosses are no protection. Better a good guard dog. Bite the bullet instead of firing them. Trust no one, trust everyone. It doesn’t matter.

Capricorn – I can neither prove nor disprove, neither confirm nor deny. I cannot embrace and I cannot refrain from embracing. But you still have the choice.

Aquarius – There may be intelligent life in the universe, but you haven’t seen much of it.

Pisces – Prop pistols and desiccated dog corpses: this is all I can reveal without a notarized signature on an official Consent to be Informed form.