Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope #36

Aries – Like the Copper Scroll, you’ve found the guide that you need – the once missing traveler’s guide, battered and torn, stained with coffee and road dust, the one your father used for all those family trips across the country, has all the answers. Dig at the broken column 12 paces beyond the weeping palms. X still marks the spot, even after all these years.

Taurus – Have you experienced an inexplicable fascination with Fidel Castro’s beard? Have you driven friends and family away with your interest in Mark Twain’s whiskers? This is not so strange.

Gemini – As Saint Gregory of the Autonomous Zone has written: “Gnomes are gnormal; Orcs are occasional.” The thunder you are hearing is the drumbeats of Troglodytes pounding beneath the surface of the earth.

Cancer – Asexual reproduction, but no worms – not in Grandmother’s house. The plastic is on the couch for a reason. No worms, but beetles in the car.

Leo – The whispering voices backstage and the small motions of the curtain ruin the illusion that what you are living is real life. The actors have forgotten their lines and you’ve missed your cue. The critics will be merciless in their reviews.

Virgo – Dad is sleeping near the septic tank; Grandpa is in the barn. It’s hillbilly horror played out behind a white picket fence. Death in the RV park, murder at the truck stop.

Libra – You light up the night like a tortured star.

Scorpio – Take a five minute break for food and beverages, rotting fruit at a roadside market. The real American enchilada.

Sagittarius – Nothing is simple. Nothing is easy. We are busy, but no one is there. Not this year. Maybe next year. Maybe. But it’s nothing. Maybe this is all there is: shouting in the parking lot.

Capricorn – Prester John cannot hear the word no. Mythic royalty enjoys playing pranks on the likes of us. But you cannot ignore him. Mythic royalty will not be snubbed with impunity.

Aquarius – Leave the fish tale flat while skinning. Do not bend the skin. Do not bend the will. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. Lift the tail and separate the body. Leave unbroken. Do not eat.

Pisces – The leadership of vengeful vultures will tear at your flesh, vindictive vipers will envenom your soul. The question now is one of endurance. How long? How long, O Lord? The blood of the martyrs is burned. Run a tox-screen. What ecclesial poisons are present?