And If I Am Not Well, At Least I Am Alive

I wrote most of this song a little more than two years ago, when I was still struggling with the breakup of two marriages. I wrote most of it when I was feeling raw and angry. The melody I had for it then was more aggressive. But I never felt like the song was right. I never felt it was complete enough to call it done so it was shoved into the back of my notebook with all the other half finished and rejected bits of doggerel I've written. 

Recently I started writing something new - completely unrelated to this -  but again, couldn't really find a way to finish it that I liked.  That's when I realized that I could merge the two pieces, but only if I changed the melody and removed several lines from each to make them balance in tone and subject. 

There is a bit of serendipity to this. 

A friend of mine and I have been comparing notes on our respective writings, sharing drafts of our novels and in the course of that, sharing our own stories with each other, sharing our hurts, and failures, our dark days and our darker nights. It's eerie and more than a little disconcerting to see how easily much of this song could have been his song and not mine. 

The bottle of Guinness that you can just see in the corner of the video is for him.

And If I Am Not Well At Least I Am Alive

I've been here before, but it was different then
the river has been changed and I've been drowned in it. 
I've resurfaced now, come up to breathe again
and if I am not well, at least I am alive. 

Maybe I believed that old fairytale 
of true love, happiness but that was before.
Disappointment has broken me. Failure follows me
but if I am not well, at least I am alive. 

At least I am alive. 
At least I am alive. 

Like monks in the desert, those holy men
I've died a hundred ways, yesterday everyday. 
Fallen to the ground, but I'll get up again
and if I am not well, at least I am alive. 

What is she to me? New possibilities,
new knowledge of myself, now nothing can be the same. 
Feeling and eating well, sleeping most every night
and if I am not well, at least I am alive. 

At least I am alive.
At least I am alive.