I have, for the past several nights, had dreams that I could
not quite recall when I woke in the morning. This is not, in itself, unusual.
Most dreams are forgotten the moment the sleeper awakens. They disappear like a
breeze, stirring the mind for a moment and then gone. But I have practiced
trying to recall them, and frequently find material in them that can be used in
my writing. I appreciate my dreams and have worked at trying to hold on to the
fleeting fragments that remain as I awaken. Still – these recent dreams have
not stuck with me after I lifted my head from the pillow.
Except that there has been a nagging suspicion that these
forgotten dreams have had something to do with my ex-wife – my first ex-wife to
be more precise. But that’s where the precision ends. I cannot recall the
situations, events, or characters of the dreams. I don’t know what happened. I
only suspect, or perhaps fear, that she was there.
And this causes me some concern. Not so much that she was
there – I know that even now these several years later I am still recovering
from her departure and putting my life back together. Things in my life are
much improved and I’m happy in my work, my hobbies, and my relationships. But –
and here’s the real question: What is my brain doing while I’m asleep? What’s
going on up there? I don’t trust my mind – even when I’m awake it must be
carefully monitored to keep it under control. When I’m asleep I can’t control
it. What is going through my brain when I’m asleep?
Addendum:
Last night I dreamt that my friend, Rick, was diagnosed with
terminal brain cancer. Maybe dreams I can’t remember of my ex-wife are fine.
Let’s go back to that.
