Biblical Limericks: Filthy Rags

Craig loves his bible, but his faith lags;
a part of him recoils and he gags
when Isaiah tells us
that all our righteousness
is like discarded menstrual rags.

Isaiah 64:6 

A Limerick for the Republican Debate

The republican debates are sick;
they shout and jab and poke and they prick
with sneering insults
not acting like adults
but talking ‘bout the size of their … hands.

A 2016 Apocalyptic Nightmare #Drumpf

Then I saw in the right hand of Him who sat on the Throne a scroll with writing on both sides and sealed with seven seals. And I saw a mighty angel proclaiming with a loud voice, “who is worthy to break the seals and open the scroll?”  Then I saw the Drumpf. The Drumpf went and took the scroll from the right hand of the One seated on the Throne, and when he had taken it he said:

You know, listen, I’m the only one here who can take this,
the only one worthy to take this scroll,
no one else can open it. I’m the guy that’s going to open it.
Because I know how to get things done.
No one can touch me. They come at me
they all come at me
but if somebody hits me, I’m going to hit them back harder.
And I can buy this whole place. I’m rich.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m rich. I’ve got money
and I could just buy this place outright.
And that’s why I’m going to win, I’m going to open this scroll
‘cause I’m rich and I’m a winner.
You know, I’ve made so much money over the years
I’ve got influence like you wouldn’t believe, I can make the deals
I went to a great school and I learned words, great words
I’m very, very, very intelligent.
And that’s why I’m doing so well in the polls, that’s why they love me.
I’ve never had any trouble in bed. I’m a winner.

And I wept and wept because no one seemed able to stop him.

Thursday’s Medical Memorandum

IF infections germ categories can be eliminated (perhaps by flooding them with an excess of carbon dioxide) – or, short of that, be confined to certain designated areas under military control, then the promised new white cells (anti-immigration cells) can be returned through the once great body. Our future depends upon these white cells, cells from a reptile age, white cells laid in an egg. Our doctors can use a machine to fertilize the egg and close any gaps in fossilized ventricles.

In regard to the remarks being made by our opponents, we only confirm that the fiscal heart is fine and continues pumping vital blood money-we have a complete record (that will not be disclosed) going back two generations. The seriousness of the crises is grossly exaggerated. Further refutation should not be necessary. Take down photojournalists with choke holds.

Liberals refuse to acknowledge the statistics compiled by our limited liability corporations. WE have no doubt that this illustrates the danger facing us, the discontinuities of American liberalism; we have been made vulnerable to pernicious sobbing and moral decline, during the past thirty thousand years. Such things happen every day in America.

No more discussion. We need lasting change, systemic mutation. These are the hopeful principles of our paleontology, the origins of our higher parts, hatched from mystery and taken back into smoke tarred lungs. We must deal with the abrupt fossilization of plasma that cannot be pumped through the valves, but this is only a minor threat. The real danger is from Red Cells. Red Cells are a hostile, communist threat to our bright, blood order. America’s youth is too full of oxygen. They will burn, those hopeful monsters of destructive forces on the earth.

We have more than enough supporters to waste carbon dioxide with blowhards. Do whatever it takes. Suck out the air. Burn the emotional fronts. Do not worry, at this time, about healing the wounds of the nation. Force more carbon dioxide. Breathe deep. Shift popular culture away from bone marrow. The heartbeats have almost given up. Blue state hearts are red socialists, better dead. The heart sends blood into the arteries, sends blood to the lungs. There will be blood, but it will not be RED socialist or BLUE state blood.

We who are oppressed by fresh oxygen transformations, oppressed and persecuted, will respond by inserting needles into the heart; we will live by combining with clotted substances. A good man’s heart is stony. The clot dries in the ventricle below; the heart is fossilized, cold.

Our medical analysts predict the bright future of urban streets patrolled by police squads with assault rifles and grenades, examining ID-10-T identity documents at all travel checkpoints. This will be the new chapter, the new hope. The richness of our democratic society rests in checkpoints and extreme measures, military correction. Take hope. Embrace a renewed commitment to happiness in America. It will be self-inflicted, self-medicated.

There should be no more talk from theologians of Kenosis. Instead we must MakeAmericaGreatAgain. The biggest arteries must be cut first. Philosophy is a thorny issue, a transitional form. NO one can argue with it; nor should they try. Eliminate it; surgically remove it. Irradiate it. 

Feel your wrist and return home. Grasp the right ventricle as you collapse. 

To the Person Who Stole My Coat Last Night

ugh.

Thank you, I guess, for giving me the opportunity to put Luke 6:28 in action. It’s all very well and good for me, as a preacher, to talk about living according to the instructions of Jesus, but to actually have the chance to ‘walk the walk’, as it were, is to make real what I can usually only talk about in abstractions. So, thank you, I guess.

I’m not really happy that you took my coat. I’m not upset because I don’t have another coat to wear during these last few weeks of winter. I do, and I know that I’m fortunate in that regard. I’m irritated because that coat was special. It was a gift from my wife. It was special, but not irreplaceable. I know that it’s just a coat (and I do have another to wear). But more than being a good warm coat, it had sentimental value.

I hope that you took it because it was raw and rainy / snowy last night, that you took it because you were cold and desperate. That I can understand. I hope that the coat keeps you warm for at least another 15 years, as it has me.

So "Go in peace; keep warm and well fed," (James 2:16) and if you need food or additional clothing please stop in again – and ask. I’ll be pleased to help.

thatjeffcarter