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Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope # 29

Aries – The sun will be darkened and the moon will turn to blood – a sign from God or atmospheric pollution? Cosmic coincidence or the realism of the miraculous?  Whatever fits this artificially constructed eschatology will be put to use.

Taurus – I have been given a secret message to deliver to you. Here is what you must do to receive it: Tonight, go outside and record the crickets chirping in your yard. Play back the recording at 1/3 speed and you will hear the mystic message. But I warn you, tell no one what Gryllidae say to you; it is sacred and it is secret, two inches tall or nothing at all

Gemini – Torquemada did not die and he neither did he forget. I may have to disappear again if he comes looking for me. You should have an escape route prepared as well. His wrath is fierce and not usually well aimed.

Cancer – The Garden of Eden will be rediscovered, again. It was found once before, by Christopher Columbus, in the mountains of Venezuela. But he lost it. 

Leo – Gioacchino  da Fiore was the gifted prophet of his day, the master of contemporary civilization until the third age of chemistry rendered him obsolete and irrelevant. He waits to return in fire.

Virgo – All of this was speculative at best before 1949. I never believed it – and not for theological reasons. It was just foolish. Let me start from the beginning: it was all foolishness. I don’t know how to say it any clearer than that. I was in North Dakota selling cars, so I couldn’t see it for myself, but now, now it’s right out in the open for everyone to see.

Libra– We are sleepwalking past the graveyard and throwing rocks at mirrors. It is the darkest hour.

Scorpio – It will rain, but not rain – jellyfish. Invertebrates will fall from clouds the size of man’s fist. No one will see it coming.

Sagittarius – Ancient promises are not taught as battle tactics, not in our schools. 

Capricorn – The Ten Plagues have been adjusted for inflation. Fill out the appropriate paperwork to apply for an exemption. Please proved three references.

Aquarius – Your self-aggrandizing vulgarity is humorous, but only from a distance. One of us will have to move away if this is to continue.

Pisces – Your arms are paralyzed. Your legs are afraid. Your eyes undocumented, your tongue revised. Your spleen is gone missing but no one has noticed. Your hair has gone to fight at the front.  

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