I Want To Be a Televandalist

I have plans. I have dreams. I intend to become a popular Televandalist on radio, television and the interwebs. I will combine the interpretive techniques of Equidistant Letter Sequences (ELS) with Back-masking to discover the really hidden messages in hard rock and hip-hop music and I will expose the Satanic secrets of the coming New Age. I will predict the dates of the Rapture of the Church and the return of Jesus Christ, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES before the end of this very year. I will find the field of the Nephilim and unearth their giant bones. I will flush out the communists that have infiltrated our public drinking waters. I will find the lost Ark. I will reprogram the Supercomputer in Belgium (known as “The Beast”) using only the texts of the Old and New Testaments and convert it into a force for good in this world. I will travel down into the hole drilled by Soviet scientists in Siberia and take pictures of hell. I will discover Joshua’s “Missing Day.” I will pick up the Vanishing Hitchhiker. I will throw an inkwell at Satan. I will track down and capture the thieves who took your kidney. I will turn the fillings in your teeth to gold through the power of prayer. I will decode the human DNA sequence to reveal a message from God written down before time. I want to be a Televandalist.