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Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Bad Dreams of Australopithecus robustus

All at once I was bounded in a nutshell and everything around me became unreal, subsumed into the dream. I saw the sky tormented with inflamed skulls and flaming jaws, floating above the day care centers of America. Later, during the police investigation of the events that followed, 60-70 lbs. of dentures, molars, bicuspids, and incisors were found in a pit in back of the center, under the playground.

And now we have a second chance to find the radicals, to dig them out of their underground bunkers. This one of the most exciting and most extravagant claims we have ever made. If there are doubts you can ask about us at the now defunct National Geographical Tabloid. They know. At the microscopic level it is contiguous (or perhaps that should be: contagious.)

Zinjanthropus boisei–now-Paranthropus boisoei was nicknamed “the Nutcracker Man,” my dear boy. It’s not a mystery why the Leader speaks of them as he does, when he describes the behavior of liberals, with their horrifying wandering across a deserted urban landscape with little emotion. Like zombies. Like serial-stumblers.

Shut up and the keep secrets that you’ve been given. Tell me, why are you here? Is it to establish human relationships with an adult? With any human adult? The turning tide is rising higher and higher. Modern apes are pulsating, tingling with excitement and horror. Why should they be surprised by Right Government™ bureaucracy? What is necessary is more programs, more reports. Now is the time for even more paperwork and statistical analysis.

We will have a common sense-victory within six months. Or six years. Or 60, small brains and emotional imbalance, notwithstanding. These animals have no idea what damage they are doing. No wonder they are strangers to one another, and a nightmare for so many. Suddenly angry and loud.

Australopithecus robustus is the posterchild of the American Dream of poor children in orphanages. 

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