Aries: You have been receiving telepathic messages from members of a secret UFO cult. They are using advanced alien technology to transmit coded communiqués directly into your cerebral cortex. This rapid influx of massive amounts of information into your brain has caused visual and auditory hallucinations. The crustaceans in your desk, however, are quite real. Watch your fingers.
Taurus: There are mystic places accessible only through your local public library. Renew your card today.
Gemini: If you are having difficulty at work, with your boss or coworkers, try speaking faster. Get up to around 200 -250 words per minute if you can.
Cancer: Life is full of choices. Some are easy; some are very difficult. If you get in the van with the gunmen turn to page 47. If you decide to share a picnic lunch with Bigfoot, turn to page 125.
Leo: The earth is in travail and groaning. Give her some ice chips and call me when she’s dilated to 4 centimeters.
Virgo: Many years from now, long after your children are grown and have children of their own, you will look back on this day, and you will sigh and think to yourself, ‘that was so long ago.’
Scorpio: The dove that Noah released from the Ark never returned. I think it was eaten by the Leviathan.
Sagittarius: The four heavenly spirits are riding. The chariot pulled by the black horse is heading north. You may catch up with him in Edmonton, Canada. If you fail to find him there, it may be too late for any of us.
Capricorn: I’m sorry. I have nothing for you this week. Is that a new haircut?
Aquarius: Now is the time to take up that hobby again. Flea circuses have never been more popular, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Pisces: You are at the turning point of history. A step to the right may result in someone being beheaded. A step to the left may result in the defeat of angelic armies. Step forward into the light.