Aries: The Olympus Mons is awakening after a long, long sleep. Already you are feeling its rumblings. This is the only warning. The sunlight is going into the mountain. The bird is dreaming.
Taurus: Now is not the time to purchase a handgun for your goldfish. You would do better to teach her an appreciation for the music of Igor Stravinsky.
Gemini: From the fifth book of mysteries comes a word: “Discard your illusions as you enter this life.” Actually, this is pretty good advice. Write this one down and keep it handy.
Cancer: I have seen a man in the wood chipper. He slipped up. Are you that man?
Leo: Beware of the storks. They have been employed by Egyptian Magicians to spy on you.
Virgo: The ominous droning that you hear in the wind is the sound of your changing psychology. It’s nothing to fear. At least I don’t think it is. You should be fine. …
Libra: Are you still looking for signs and wonders? I’m not sure whether to commend you for your diligence or to slap you on the back of the head.
Scorpio: Hey! Hey! Stop shouting! I can hear your telepathic messages just fine, but stop sending them at 4 A.M. I’ll answer your questions as soon as I can.
Sagittarius: Do you have your secret decoder ring handy? Yes? Good. Transmission commences: Do-zi-nal-Ad Vorpt-Ggem- ta-o-la ox-lo-p NiA oz Chris-tom-tor. Oh-wha-taH Gu-sa-yam.
Capricorn: Now is the time to … nope. Sorry. It’s too late now. Better luck next time.
Aquarius: Before your flight, take time to put a bit more wax into your wings. You’ll thank me later.
Pisces: If you have transitional issues, Metanoiacine© may be right for you. Side effects are rare, but some have reported heartache, dysmenorrhea, mild to severe discomfort, transparency, sugar-rush, intifada, high-anxiety, and soul collapse. Ask your doctor about Metanoiacine© .
Some readers have contacted us to point out that previous installments of Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope did not include the sign “Libra.” This was not an accidental omission. Dr. Tarrec’s idiosyncratic division of the Zodiac has a number of floating “blank spots” where the various signs fade from view. He can see nothing for them during these times.