Aries – The mushrooms you purchased last week from that woman at the side of the road have altered your DNA. I think you should be okay, but you should consult a mycologist for further details.
Taurus - If you listen closely, you’ll hear it, the hum. It’s down around 50 – 56 Hz so it’s difficult to hear. But if you do, you’ll receive a series of instructions. Follow them. They will lead to great treasure.
Gemini – The Red Zone City has been enveloped by superfluid fog. Quantum gravity is in flux. Put your travel plans on hold until this phenomenon is understood.
Cancer – It took me several weeks to figure it out, but the reason that your spellcraft has failed in recent months is that you are using an inauthentic copy of the Simon Necromicon. The smiley face and rainbows on the cover probably should have been your first clue.
Leo – The mermaids are calling again. If you have completed your SCUBA instruction you may proceed. If you have not yet completed your certification, you should under no circumstances listen to their song.
Virgo – Your grandmother (the dead one) has been trying to contact you. She has some hard candy and a quarter for you.
Libra – The Vatican is now taking applications for exorcists. I’ll be sure to pass along your name and give you a positive reference.
Scorpio – The next reappearance of Halley’s Comet in 1986 will presage great changes in your personal finances.
Sagittarius – Abscesses make the heart grow fungus. Consult your mycologist immediately. Seriously. I’m not even kidding.
Capricorn - The eagle playing the cymbals in your backyard is named Fernando. Approach him with caution. If you can speak to him, ask him what he did with my manuscript
Aquarius – The bacteria on your skin is of a very specific type. It is keeping many parasites and diseases from bothering you. Stop using anti-bacterial cleansers.
Pisces – Watch for the movement of wandering Bedouin stars. They may soon cross the seas and raise an army in the mountains. If they do they’ll elect one of their own as the Prince.