Aries – These fiery lights you see at night streaking through your dark heavens are not meteors. Even so, they are quite ill. Nurse them devotedly in their sickness.
Taurus – The children are escaping through a tunnel under the wall. What will be required now by home office is a general confession of your sins. Be accurate and thorough.
Gemini – This is an emergency broadcast announcement. All business establishments will close in thirty-seven (37) minutes. Return to your homes; you’ll have to shop for batteries another day.
Cancer – Now is not the time to attempt a new romantic relationship. I know this. You know this. Stop making things complicated. Return the calculator I loaned you and we’ll call it even.
Leo- If you have been assigned court supervision on two (2) occasions within twelve (12) months preceding your date of arrest you cannot blame this on UFO activity. Take some responsibility for your actions.
Virgo – These are the most perilous times on Earth – at least since last week.
Libra – The High Priest of Shangri-La is not amused by your puerile practical jokes. And he knows that it was you. He can see and hear your giggling.
Scorpio – The sign clearly says 15 items or less. What’s wrong with you?
Sagittarius - The calculations of Saint Helveticus have been proven correct. Even without modern computer technology he was able to predict the coming of the Ottoman Empire. Will you still disregard the words he wrote concerning you and your military adventures?
Capricorn- That man will be executed as soon as the paperwork is processed. (Of course, this means no sooner than six (6) months from now.)
Aquarius – If the woman does attend the event this may be the bait we need to lure the fish out of hiding. Give him a pair of boots and set him free.
Pieces- I am not a fool, but I am willing to make a deal. You steal the painting. I’ll meet with the buyer.