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Thursday, July 2, 2015

Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope #21

My friend, Dr. Tarrec, writes these goofy horoscopes.  I can't tell you how many times he's been spot on accurate.

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Aries -  This happened once before, all of it-I swear. You display a weakness of will, an ineptitude of honor, willpower applied to evil ends. You take a sadistic pleasure in making me miserable. This was your idea. I came to your door. Lucky Numbers: 12, 56.4, 9.

Taurus – A society of Romance is free inside each specially marked box. We said our goodbyes after gym class. You ran off telling lies. I can’t hear you when I think of her and the scent of the night.  Lucky Numbers: 42, 24, 2

Gemini – A threat to your personal safety comes from stock-footage rogues. Let’s get you cleaned up and back to the home beside a mountain stream. Rise and listen to the disappearing woman. Lucky Numbers: ¾, 12 ¾. 

Cancer – Look for an inconsistency of reptile honor and the possibility of immorality in the jungle.  You are not worried about this? Not the tiniest bit quizzical? You’re the fool metaphysical. Lucky Numbers: Sorry. You have no Lucky Numbers.

Leo – An imposter is coming, unforeseen. Roll up. Roll up to the campground next door. Give me your pants. You may take my belt. Lucky Numbers: 0.0000005, 91, 34X – 7.

Virgo – Ruin is the floral sword of sadness. Don’t even think about trying to make an escape. Lucky Numbers: 9, 46.5, 21.

Libra – Candy is a temporary distraction from the despair of the winding road. You will take the card, and you will be sorry. Lucky Numbers:  2, 42, 24.

Scorpio – Do you desire to recover what is lost? Won’t you dance with me?  I will show you the broken-hearted people and their flowers. Your youth will not last long. Lucky Numbers:  1, 01, 11011, 11010010010100100.

Sagittarius – The intern is 18 miles away; he’s loyal, but his bootlaces are untied and dinner is late.  Lucky Number: 666.5.

Capricorn –  Lovers giggling on African safari have witnessed and believed The Face. They saw The Face and received the secret. I’ve never actually heard the drums. Lucky Number:  0.

Aquarius – It is a faulty choice to choose between a half-day’s journey and no sleep at night. The day spent in conversation is unremembered. Lucky Numbers: 9, 99, 999, 999.9.


Pisces  - Possible infidelity and unstable emotions are slowly and restlessly approaching the front door. I’ve imagined this many times before, but let’s sing a song about it all. It is grotesque. Lucky Numbers: 12 ÷ 0, 945.

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