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Friday, November 15, 2013

No More


I thought that things were getting better for my friend.  Maybe I’d wanted to believe that.  Maybe I wanted to believe it more than he did.

He has a lot of personal demons, deeply rooted issues that he’s not able face.  He’s been beaten up (physically as well as emotionally and spiritually) for most of his life.  And so he drinks as a way to retreat, and he provokes those who would be his friend in order to drive them away. He just called me a few moments ago to tell me that he’s dropping out of his involvement at the church.  Again.  He’s done this before.  It’s a bit of a pattern for him. 

Livin' on the edge of night
You know the sun won't go down slow
You don't know which drug is right
Can't decide which way you wanna go
I feel the way you feel
'Cause not so long ago
It had a hold on me
I couldn't let it go
It wouldn't set me free
It wouldn't set me free
No more, no more, no more.

He’s told me about some of his struggle, and my heart breaks for him.  There isn’t much that is easy in his life.  The progress I thought we were making was undone this week.  He was robbed the other night, and though he says that he wasn’t hurt, the incident has brought all the old patterns right back up.

Seemed like the easy thing
To let it go for one more day
Like singin' the same old song
And twistin' the words
In a different way
Where did the magic go
I searched high and low
I can't find it no more
I can't get it back
I can't find it no more
I can't find it no more
No more, no more, no more, no more.

It’s a few hesitant steps forward and then a collapse and a retreat. I don’t want him to slip away.  I don’t want him to push us away.  And I’m worried.  It is a significant investment of time and emotional energy to reach out to him and we’re entering into the most hectic and busy and draining part of my year.  During this next month and a half I’ll barely have time for myself and my family. I’m worried that I won’t have enough left over to offer him – and that his retreat will go further and deeper.

Searchin' for quality
Havin' to have the very best
Now scroungin' for quantity
Never havin' time
To do the test
That's how the story goes
Can't put it down
Till the last page
I can't put it down
I can't put it down
I can't put it down.

“No More” – Neil Young 1989 on the album Freedom


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