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Monday, June 30, 2014

Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope #7



Aries
– You’re filing frivolous lawsuits as the city burns.  Meanwhile the Red Queen and her fourteen conspirators are marching towards the capitol. 

Taurus – The letters you sent have been intercepted by hostile forces.  You will have to resubmit all those FOI requests concerning PAU NAY LORON.

Gemini – Recall the soldiers as soon as possible - there’s been a terrible mistake. 

Cancer – The dolphins have a plan to escalate their war with the dauphin.  They’ve already begun placing mines in French waters.

Leo – The gunman will fall asleep, even in the midst of perpetrating the crime.  Give him a pillow and a nice comforter before calling the police.

Virgo – Mabus is on the move.  Look for him in Shropshire where farmers are reporting strange lights in the sky and vicious attacks against their sheep.

Libra – Large clumps of hay and grass may fall from the sky.  Take the appropriate precautions to protect yourself.

Scorpio – Mix dew with minerals and the deed shall be done.  A brother will poison his sister during childbirth and the child will succeed to the throne.

Sagittarius – Have you been feeling heavier than normal this week?  There is a stone in your stomach.  The English Fleet left it there during maneuvers last week. 

Capricorn – The bodies were found, skulls crushed, ribs broken. One victim had her eyes and tongue removed.  Was it a Yeti?  More investigation is required in this case.

Aquarius – Lobsters, locusts, and lice shall appear in the streets of Geneva.  They will be naked.

Pisces- There is deuterium oxide in the drinking water - heavy water, and your kitchen faucet may now be used for nuclear magnetic resonance spectroscopy.  

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