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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope #2

Aries:  The sound of gunfire means that it’s time to disappear. Take the opportunity before it takes you.

Taurus:  The Beast of Trowbridge is devouring its prey. But this is no cause for alarm.  Things like this happen in the natural world.  If you should happen to catch sight of this large cat take a few photos for the local newspaper, but maintain a safe distance.

Gemini:  Did Oswald act alone?  What is the CIA hiding with its obfuscation of the relevant information?  What difference does it make?  All men have secrets and you’re looking very old tonight.

Cancer:  If your home is plunged into darkness this week, it is the cows that are at fault.  These bovine terrorists are scratching at the power lines in retaliation for our consumption of steaks and hamburgers.  Perhaps it’s time to switch to pork.

Leo:  That bruise on your knee that won’t go away, that itches relentlessly no matter what topical ointments you apply, that is swelling and causing you great amounts of pain, is in fact a sea snail growing just beneath the dermis.  It’s gross.  You should see a doctor and have it removed.

Virgo:  The rain falls hard on a hardtack town.  But everybody knows this.  It’s really nothing. Carry an umbrella if it bothers you.

Scorpio:  Disregard any reports of extraterrestrial activity in your neighborhood for the next several days.  It is nothing more exciting than a troop of circus baboons.  They will make a lot of noise and a bit of a mess and then they’ll move on. 

Sagittarius:  Now would be a good time to get your family a new pet.   A python would be nice. The kids will love it.

Capricorn:  Don’t worry.  It wasn’t your fault.  Just let the salvage team in; they’ll clean up the mess.

Aquarius: You really should update your calendar.  The one you are using aligns on the Midwinter sunrise and may have provided ancient hunter-gatherers with an annual "astronomic correction" in order to better follow the passage of time and changing seasons, but is completely obsolete in this modern age.  Get with the times, friend.

Pisces: Do you know where you’re going? Have you consulted the map?  Life is trying to show you something but you aren’t paying attention.  

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