Aries: What began as a lark has the potential of becoming quite dangerous. You should stop now before anyone else contracts gastroenteritis. The items you left in your high school locker have been identified as yours; you should reclaim them, soon.
Taurus: A fondness for fungus will bring unexpected opportunities for travel. Go for it. All mushrooms are edible...once.
Gemini: Like the lobster, you have a tendency toward cannibalism. Protect your children. Global warming and rising water temperatures may be the cause of your errors in judgment, but try to make amends before the week is over.
Cancer: Now is not the time to investigate another incident of cattle mutilations. The winds of blame are shifting. Extra-terrestrials are falling out of favor. You could be next. There will be no witness, no one will see or hear anything, but the tongues of the beasts will be removed. Don’t let them wag about you.
Leo: Brittle teeth and bones can be replaced. Epithelial cells collected from your urine make great source material.
Virgo: Be active and vigorous this week. The sedentary will be devoured by hungry dogs, starting with the testicles.
Libra: Watch for roaming herds of prehistoric wooly mammoths. They will ask you for a favor. You would be wise to refuse.
Scorpio: Ring the bells. Sound the alarm. Communion wafers are bleeding within the shrine.
Sagittarius: The rising of Jupiter and Venus should not be mistaken for Chinese spy drones. Prudent decisions are based on accurate information.
Capricorn: The Carrier Pigeons you used to send your last messages have gone off course. They will be found, fed and returned to you, but the messages will not have arrived. Prepare for plans to falter because of this communication failure.
Aquarius: Beware of sentient dolls.
Pisces: Even decapitated snakes should not be trusted. They can still bite.