I was living a
bifurcated existence, like most everyone in those debilitating,
degenerate days, divided myself from the world, with one foot on the
upward path and one foot on the pitch, on the city streets at night,
walking in the flickering, projected light of digital advert
displays. It was best to avoid looking at those lights. They are
false luminaries. And to beware of the shifting shadows as well. They
are whispering spirits.
All the moist
elements of murder were there: a woman with stolen money and a hole
torn in her thin white blouse, her lover starting fires in the
stairwell, her ex-husband, and a gun. It is commonplace, but untrue
to say that there was no motive for the crime; some things just
resist explanation. Some wounds never heal.
The words blurred
like an everflowing river.
I was dreaming of a
place with no memory and had no memory of my dreams, of a life of
authentic choices made by the principles of determination.
Meanwhile he was
screaming outside their apartment, trying to get in, screaming from
the stop and go streets. It might have been two or three weeks. Maybe
six months to a year. It’s hard to remember now after so long. And
the currents of time are unstable.
He saw her kissing
in the park. He saw the fire. He saw her walking hand in hand down
the sidewalk. He saw the river. He saw her in a parked car with a
stranger.
I remember hearing
about it – though I was very young at the time. I remember seeing
the bloody photos. Why did my parents allow that? I didn’t
understand it then and only later, much later, realized what had
happened.
He had unresolved
issues, problems of aggression behind a cherub’s face, burning
pitch behind a Boy’s Life smile. No one believed it. No one
believed him. Even when he confessed to the fires.
I remember the
images on television: a woman, face down on the kitchen floor in a
pool of blood, a message scrawled beside her. “We are deeply
distressed by the brutality of this age.” Was that irony or
confession? But I do not remember the midnight gunshots just before
the hour. I don’t remember hearing them. As I said, I was very
young then. Only a boy, but I read about the blood and the glass.
And how he was screaming outside the apartment, trying to get in to
see her.