In the secret place
– a rare place without history – I am standing on a cliff edge
filled with fire. A step and a half toward heaven. A step toward hell
and ready to fall.
A beautiful woman,
simultaneously near at hand and far removed. Stimulated. Simulated in
the flashing silver, pink, and purple light. Rhythmic music bumps and
grinds as she writhes upon the couch, lithe and lean.
“I can’t,” I
say. “I can’t. I’m married, a one woman man.”
“And I’m only
one woman,” she whispers in my ear, her lips and breath on the back
of my neck. The words sound like a threat or a promise or both.
My hands held out,
held up in surrender. Evil thoughts, and adulterous.
Strip off them
clothes. That bra. Them panties too.
Beautiful feet,
long legs, rounded navel, her waist within my arms. I’m in danger.
My face between her breasts.
Take my money.
“Baby,” she
says as she pulls me in – expecting something to happen. I am
waiting for generosity, for affection. Waiting for love and respect.
How do I open up my doubts about God, and Christ, and the church,
express my mortgage anxiety, my family fears?
Long dark lashes
surrounding her eyes, long dark hair. “Oh, baby, what I can show
you...”
A man should love
his wife.
I didn’t love her
– sin of omission.
I did pursue her –
sin of emission.