The Dragon Roland Raygun and Other Monsters

 If you've paid any attention to this blog over the years, you may have already  guessed that I'm a bit of a dork. It's true. I know it. My girlfriend seems to appreciate it. 

I have a D&D character which is a bard. He's not really the stereotypical D&D bard, seducing the all women  - though he does have some bawdy songs in his repertoire.  He's more a sort of adventuring Woody Guthrie, a folk singer and folk hero. And, in advance of an upcoming gaming session, I have composed a couple of songs for my character to sing. 

There was a mighty dragon
whose name was Roland Raygun
but down he fell
straight into hell
for consorting with the pagans. 

Now I do not wish him tortured
though he torched my father's orchard. 
But how the hell
is his name so well 
remembered and blessed by fortune? 

The ogre with an iron hatchet
her name was Margot Thatchet.
She was a beast
to say the least 
and stirred up quite a racket. 

The kobold king for oil 
did loot, and raid, and spoil. 
He was blessed by priests
for war in the east
and greatly increased our toil. 

His son followed up years later
assuming the role of invader.
Oh what a bore,
again to war.
He made our trouble much greater. 

Blue Dragon

He Hath Swallowed Me Up Like an Existential Illness

And there was seen another sign in the starry heaven, seen by many expert, professional witnesses who beheld a great red dragon. And this should come as no surprise. They beheld in the sky a great red dragon (a psychotic myth, a modern dilemma) having seven heads and ten horns and blood force, hot air forcibly withdrawn from the body, a wicked specimen walking bipedally like a chimpanzee, or gorilla, like a real man.

This…dragon… is a literal dragon, not that of heraldic tale or pyschotherapeutic fable, or fanciful (that is to say – mischievous) artwork. This real and literal dragon appears to walk habitually upright like a man – like many who pretend to be men: politicians, educrats, bureaucrats and malpractice quacks. Frauds, all of them. They are semi-marine animals clad in a panoply of lies, media distortions, and false logic.

Here it is called “Leviathan.” There it is named “Apophis” and “Dracul” – a criminal of a thousand faces and a thousand, thousand descriptions. Part crocodile, part whale, part therapist, and part defense attorney, He hath swallowed me up like a dragon like a fever or another existential illness.

It is the great dragon of a peculiar color: red, with all that implies- inflammation, infection, socialism, blood-borne pathogens, and other extravagancies. With seven heads which are: Murder, Robbery, Rape, Plunder, Violence, Infection, and Isis Radiation.

It is the Devil, the literal devil, not a mere evil principle from within and without, but the malignant reptile haunting human history. He is burning up the world, kindling a demand upon the earth for new victims, more victims. Instead of redemption - victims. Instead of rehabilitation – more victims sacrificed upon the twin altars of psychotherapy and the justice system. The Devil is a shrewd attorney and a clever advocate. He has convinced the mainstream media with his lies.

Can we, like Moses, take it up by the tail? Reach down to grasp that hot scaly serpent gorged on blood? The stars of heaven are dysfunctional and hurled down. The angels of heaven relocated. The Violator, a dragon-virus, a strong electron, a sweaty bacteria. The stars of heaven are cast down, the angels perspire. Sickness spreads across the earth.

The Seven Spirits of God, dressed in lab coats, fight the infection; they warm the blood and cool the skin. They draw out the mucous. But the Salamander burns, burns hotter and brighter as he approaches the earth. The body overheats. Modern man is vulnerable to the fiery darts of the fevered dragondevil. The infection spreads to the throat and lungs. Words of comfort evaporate on the tongue. His robes are soiled, his crown tarnished. His song is silenced and his blood boiled under vicious reptilian attack.

Hurled headlong and flaming from the vast ethereal sky, the monster comes to earth with dirty movies and soap operas, and films financed by foreign investors with strange and unpronounceable names, demon names like Zinjanthropus. And, cast down and downcast as he is, he disguises himself with skin and shaking bones, with skin and quivering bones and rancid breath. The blood waste of a million tiny lives and civil unrest. Human armies are driven away. The army of Salem is defeated. Blood and Urine are combined. This is the new medical science. This is all we have left. This is your psychotherapy. This is our only remaining theological tradition.

A Dim-Remembered Story

“Dude, what are we watching?”

“It’s a…”

“It’s weird, man.”

“…French film from the 1980s, setting an Edgar Allan Poe story in space… I think.”

“You think?  Which one?”

“I’m not sure. The sound quality is pretty bad, and it’s hard to tell what they’re saying without the subtitles.”

“Can you…”

“What?”

“What?”

“You said, ‘Can you…’ and then you stopped.  Can I, what?”

“I dunno, man. Can you?”

“Oh shut up and watch the movie.”

"Okay, okay, man. You don’t have to be so testy. What are we watching?”

“It might be The Fall of the House of Usher. I think the space station is supposed to be Roderick’s castle.”

“And it’s going to fall, like … like…  … like Skylab or something?”

“Yeah. At least I think, maybe."

“Cool. Who are those guys in the rainbow colored jumpsuits and motorcycle helmets?”

***

“RED Angel, Uriel, Power of light, regent of the sun. Ready!”

“ORANGE Angel, Raphael, Power of health, binder of the desert demon. Ready!”

“YELLOW Angel, Raguel, Bringer of Fire and harmony. Ready!”

“GREEN Angel, Samael, Angel of venom and poison. Ready to kick some ass!”

“Watch yourself, Samael. You’re a good angel on a short leash. BLUE Angel, Michael, the Great Prince. Ready!”

“PURPLE Angel, Gabriel, Power of strength and player of cool jazz. Ready!”

“VIOLET Angel, Phanuel, the Face of God, sustainer of hope. Ready!”

(IN UNISON) “Gathered together, the forces of heaven, numbering seven, angels forever! Huh!”

***

“Dude, that Edgar Allan Poe was trippin’…”

“Quiet. Let me watch this.”

“Alors! Ethelred leva sa massue et frappe sur la tete du dragon qui tomba devant lui et rendit son soufflé empeste avec...”

“Dude, this is really weird. Tell me that doesn’t look like a giant Charles Manson.”

“Shut up. You’re high and you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Seriously, dude! Those power-ranger angels are fighting Gigantor Charlie Manson. Look! There’s the swastika carved on his forehead!”

“You’re crazy… that’s not… it’s… You may be right.”

***

“Gabriel, proceed against the bastard and the reprobate; advance against that child of fornication.  Destroy the Watcher’s evil son!”

“I hear, and I obey, Oh Michael!”

“Phanuel, Angel of exorcisms, expel this Satan. I can no longer bear to look upon him.”

“I hear, and I obey, Oh prince!”

***

No sooner had these syllables passed my lips, than – as if a shield of brass had indeed, at the moment, fallen heavily upon a floor of silver – I became aware of a distinct, hollow, metallic, and clangorous, yet apparently muffled reverberation. The band began to sing: “Every time I think about it I want to cry, With the bombs and the devils, And the kids keep coming, Nowhere to breathe…”

While they gazed, this fissure rapidly widened – there came the fierce breath of whirlwind, of the dragon who was thrown down – the entire orb of the satellite burst into flames and began its final fiery descent to the earth.  There was a long tumultuous shout, like the voice of a thousand waters, and then silence.

Biblical Limericks – Revelation 12

I saw a woman above the earth
clothed with sun, moon, and a crown of worth,
pregnant and crying out,
for there could be no doubt,
she was in agony giving birth.

And, behold, there came a dragon red
who spoiled to see that newborn dead,
but the child was taken
to heaven unshaken,
and the dragon tossed down on his head.

Then I heard a loud voice speaking true,
“Pardon and power have come to you,
for the adversary
can no longer harry
those who have, by Lamb’s blood, been made new.”

Dragon and Skull

Here are a couple of photos that I took last week at the Universal Studios Theme Park in Orlando, Florida.  My kids love them, but my wife wonders why only photograph "creepy" things...

Dragon by Jeff Carter on 500px

Skull by Jeff Carter on 500px

Transform the Apocalypse (A Nonsense Song)

Sing to me of the twisted man
     the man who’s half alive.
The Queen of England is in the hive;
     she’s reading the Quran.

Francis knows how the heretics
     are going to respond;
they’ll destroy a chemical bond
    and beat us all with sticks.

But if God will bless
and prosper us
we’ll transform
the Apocalypse
into something we can use.
The dragon and his rich cronies
     have never read Camus.
His scaly skin is iron blue,
     they’re actors and phonies.

He makes his bold accusations
     to provoke a cold war;
he’s using uranium ore
     to buy wealthy nations.

But if God will bless

and prosper us
we’ll transform
the Apocalypse
into something we can use.

Praise the Lord, Ye Dragons

I raided my son's collection of action figures to set up one of those kitschy pop culture / superhero nativity sets, but then I had a better idea. I returned (most of) my son's figures - all except the dragons, and borrowed my wife's Fontanini figurines to recreate an event the occurred during the holy family's flight to Egypt, according to the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, anyway.

From The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew:

And, lo, suddenly there came forth from the cave many dragons; and when the children saw them, they cried out in great terror. Then Jesus went down from the bosom of His mother, and stood on His feet before the dragons; and they adored Jesus, and thereafter retired. Then was fulfilled that which was said by David the prophet, saying: Praise the Lord from the earth, ye dragons; ye dragons, and all ye deeps. And the young child Jesus, walking before them, commanded them to hurt no man. But Mary and Joseph were very much afraid lest the child should be hurt by the dragons. And Jesus said to them: Do not be afraid, and do not consider me to be a little child; for I am and always have been perfect; and all the beasts of the forest must needs be tame before me.

Dragon Yen