I Would Have Set Them Straight

    The brothers of Goliath, you say? Yeah. I remember them. I fought in the Philistine wars with our shepherd king. I was barely out of short pants myself, but I was there with my bow and my sling, ready to take on the entire Philistine army myself. No sissy stuff. I was there to bring them down.

    There was Lahmi, who ate bread even as he fought his way across the valley, a loaf of rye as big as your head in one hand and a spear as tall as you in the other.

    And Isbi-Benob – the man from Nob. What a nob! He wore a bright new sword and thought he could kill the warrior, David. As if.

    And the other one… what was his name? The one with twenty-four digits. Twelve fingers and twelve toes. Six on each hand and foot? No. It was eight and four apiece. Strange, I tell you. And where did he find shoes for those feet? 

    And Goliath? Goliath. Well, you know the story that David went out with his sling and a few river stones. But I was there when the battle broke out at Gob in the western foothills of Judah. I watched Elhanan bring down Goliath. Man, what a crash when he hit the ground.

    People talk about David like he did it all alone. But some of us were there, and we remember how it really went. Funny how the scribes write it down one way. Funny how memory writes it down another. They should have just asked me. I would have set them straight.

1 Chronicles 20:4-8, 2 Samuel 12:15-22

Biblical Limericks: Neither Toenails or Mustache

Mephibosheth was just a bit rash,
went into hiding fearing backlash;
while he was withdrawn there
forgot personal care
and trimmed neither toenails or mustache.

2 Samuel 19: 25

Biblical Limericks: Not Much of a Narrative Arc

Uzza reached out his hand for the ark,
to prevent it from falling, but hark!
for his temerity,
with great celerity,
he died – not much of a narr’tive arc.

2 Samuel 6: 6 - 7

Biblical Limericks: Butt Naked

King David was enraged and aghast;
men he sent to Hanun were harassed.
So that people would scoff,
their beards were shaved half off
and the men were sent back home bare assed.

2 Samuel 10: 1- 4

Biblical Limericks: Emerods

The Philistines were more than annoyed,
the statue of Dagon was destroyed,
and the folks of Ashdod
were struck with emerods,
which is to say, they had hemorrhoids.

1 Samuel 5: 1 - 12 (KJV)

Biblical Limericks: But Of Course It Can’t Be a Contradiction…

How many men did David’s man kill?
Samuel says eight hundred – that’s fine ‘til
the Chronicler declares
that number an error -
the count’s three hundred under his quill.

2 Samuel 23:8 / 1 Chronicles 11:11

Biblical Limericks: She Was a Happy Medium

There was a witch who lived in Endor
who knew the incantations and lore;
in the dark of the night
she would perform the rite
that would bring up the spirits once more.

1 Samuel 28

I've written before about the witch of Endor - When the Dead Speak.

Curiously when this story is retold by the author of Sirach, the role of the medium is left out.  The prophet Samuel, of his own volition, gives a prophecy from beyond the grave:

Samuel was beloved by his Lord;

a prophet of the Lord, he established the kingdom

and anointed rulers over his people.

By the law of the Lord he judged the congregation,

and the Lord watched over Jacob.

By his faithfulness he was proved to be a prophet,

and by his words he became known as a trustworthy seer.

He called upon the Lord, the Mighty One,

when his enemies pressed him on every side,

and he offered in sacrifice a suckling lamb.

Then the Lord thundered from heaven,

and made his voice heard with a mighty sound;

he subdued the leaders of the enemy

and all the rulers of the Philistines.

Before the time of his eternal sleep,

Samuel bore witness before the Lord and his anointed:

“No property, not so much as a pair of shoes,

have I taken from anyone!”

And no one accused him.

Even after he had fallen asleep, he prophesied

and made known to the king his death,

and lifted up his voice from the ground

in prophecy, to blot out the wickedness of the people.

Sirach 46: 14 - 20

Biblical Limericks: Because “Son of a Perverse Rebellious Woman” Doesn’t Have the Same Ring To It

King Saul wanted Jonathan to snitch
on his friend David; there was this hitch
Jonathan was loyal,
so Saul’s anger boiled,
“I’ll kill him yet, you son of a bitch!”

1 Samuel 20: 25 – 31

Read it in the Living Bible (1972) paraphrase…