A Biblically Indexed Police Blotter

    Repeat Juvenile Runaway Near E. 9^th St. N.
    1.0 mi East 9^th St. North

    Deputies responded to possible repeat runaway report involving a juvenile. The same juvenile reportedly involved in similar incidents all this year.

    See: Proverbs 22: 6 and 29:17 and Jeremiah 31:16-17 - “...your children will return to their homeland.”

    High Speed Pursuit of Maroon SUV on Highway 8 
    1.6 mi US-8

    Law enforcement units were involved in pursuit of a maroon SUV traveling eastbound on Highway 8. County and state agencies were notified for assistance.

    See: Leviticus 26: 8 – “five of you pursuing a hundred of them, one hundred pursuing ten thousand; and your enemies will fall beneath your sword.”

    Suspicious Persons Reported / Possible Burglary in Progress 
    0.5 mi East 11^th St. South

    Deputies investigated a possible burglary after a caller reported a suspicious person or persons who may have entered their home. Unidentified person was described as white, male, wearing gray clothing and a pink backpack, last seen running toward a nearby liquor store.

    See: Mark 3:27 – “no one can make his way into the Strong Man’s house and plunder his property unless he has first tied up the Strong Man. Only then can he plunder his house.”

    Youth Driving Recklessly on Moped 
    1.7 mi East 13^th St. North

    Deputies responded to report of a juvenile driving recklessly on a moped. Caller was waiting for deputy to make definitive identification of the youth.

    See: Proverbs 14:16, and Judges 9:4 - “...Abimelech hired reckless and violent adventurers to follow him.”

    Unresponsive Female in Alley 
    2.9 mi East 18^th St. North

    Emergency responders were dispatched to East 10^th St. N. for a report of an unresponsive female. Caller indicated that a medical alert button had been activated, but there was no response from the individual.

    See: Numbers 31:9 – “The Israelites took the women and their little ones captive and carried off all their goods as booty.”

    High Speed Pursuit Ends in Collision 
    3.4 mi IA-234

    Deputies pursued a maroon SUV at high speeds on Highway 234 and into rural roads including North 750^th Avenue. The chase reached speeds of over 100 miles per hour. Pursuit concluded when vehicle crashed into a large stone. Two individuals were rushed to the hospital.

    See: Psalm 91:12 - “They will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.”

    ERROR.Corrupted X.X=forensic.theology.database.X
    ERROR.Coherence.threshold.exceeded+5.X
    ERROR.MunicipalX=XApocalypse.log.X
    SYSTEM.OVERLOAD>>RESET.EISEGESIS-1.8X>>RESET.EXEGESIS+3.X
    X.X>>REINTERPRET.X

Biblical Limericks: Not Bad

After Ehud came the man, Shamgar -
a hero of Israel without par;
he used an old ox-goad
to pursue down the road
six hundred Phil’stines – not bad, by gar!

Judges 3: 31

Poor old Shamgar gets only one verse in the bible. But he gets TWO, yes -count 'em- TWO limericks. 

Biblical Limericks: Samson Unhinged

Samson, as a hero, seems unhinged-
on violence and cruelty he binged,
setting foxes on fire
in his rage and his ire;
on the Philistines he’d be revenged!

Judges 15: 1 - 5

Biblical Limericks: Bizarre Behavior for Bees

I don’t get it; it’s a mystery
that shouldn’t be read as history,
for to build a beehive
in what once was alive
would be bizarre behavior for bees.

Judges 14:8 

Biblical Limericks: Thumbs and Big Toes

Adoni-Bezek treated his foes
with cruelty and with severe blows,
but when the Israelites
captured him in a fight
they cut off his thumbs and his big toes.

Judges 1: 4 - 7

More Anomalies A – Z: Baalberith

The children of Israel made Baalberith their god.  Judges 9: 33

Near the Terebinth groves of Morah
where wandering Abram pitched his tents,
where Yahweh confirmed and cut
a covenant with his servant

Rises the tower of Baalberith,
the Master of the Mark
god of contracts,
and Lord of the Knife.

There he is worshipped
by stiff men – strong and undeterred.
The men of Shechem stand erect,
ready to do as their lord commands.

They stroke the idol
as they pass
before his altar;
they stroke the idol for a blessing.



From the rabbinic writings in the Mishnah:

``[There was an idol] in the shape of the head of a penis, and there was one in the shape of a bean.`` Now what is the scriptural basis [for this statement about the kind of idol just now described in the shape of a penis]? ``And they made as their god the master of the mark of circumcision [Baal berith]`` (Judg.8.33). [This indicates that there can be an idol in the stated shape.]

'Ab. Zarah iii.43a

For more of the Anomalies A - Z click here.

Biblical Limericks: Whatever Happened to Tola?

After Abimelech came Tola
to judge Israel and enforce the law;
he judged twenty three years
and the last that we hear
he’s in Shamir where worms on him gnaw.

Judges 10: 1 - 2

Biblical Limericks: Blessed Art Thou among Women

I’ve begun to lament and to wail;
I can’t tell which biblical female
is the most highly blessed,
far above all the rest:
Was it Judith, Mary, or Jael?

Judith 13: 23 – 25 / Luke 1: 26 – 28 / Judges 5: 24 - 27

Biblical Limericks: A Show of his Brawn

Samson liked to play with prostitutes
and in Gaza he was dissolute;
when his foes discovered
that he was uncovered
they planned to kill him, were resolute.

But before the light of morning’s dawn
Samson got out of bed with a yawn;
he picked up the town gate
as if it had no weight,
and escaped with a show of his brawn.

Judges 16: 1- 4

No. The APA Does Not Endorse Pedophilia – But the Bible Might...

The internets have been burning the past couple of days with claims that the APA (the American Psychiatric Association) had classified pedophilia as a sexual “orientation” in the recently released DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).  A press release from the AFA (American Family Association), picked up by many conservative blogs and news outlets claimed:

"Just as the American Psychiatric Association declared homosexuality an ‘orientation’ under tremendous pressure from homosexual activists in the early seventies, now, under pressure from pedophile activists, they have declared the desire for sex with children an ‘orientation,’ too.  It's not hard to see where this will lead.  More children will become sexual prey. 

"Sanity will never return to this culture until truth is reclaimed.  It is not now, nor has it ever been acceptable for men or women to desire sex with children.  Any who struggle with this must at least know that it is wrong before they can combat it and seek change." - AFA Press Release

But it’s just not true.  The only change in the DSM-V’s classification of Pedophilia is that “the disorder name was changed from 'pedophilia' to 'pedophilic disorder'" in order to "maintain consistency with the chapter’s other disorder listings.”   The APA has not said that it is acceptable for men or women to desire sex with children.

The APA has not endorsed pedophilia as an alternative lifestyle neither has it reclassified it as an acceptable orientation.  The freakout is unwarranted.  It’s an emotional reaction to facts not in evidence.   

But the discussion did prompt my curiosity to ask the question: What does the Bible have to say about Pedophilia?  And the simple (maybe shocking) answer is not much – and what little it does say might leave us feeling a little uncomfortable.

There is no direct reference to pedophilia in the bible (not as the DSM and contemporary psychiatry defines it – as a psychiatric disorder in persons 16 years of age or older typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest toward prepubescent children.) 

Zip. Zero. Nada.

However, there are some ambiguous passages in the Old Testament that might have some relevance. In Judges 21 (a horrible and horrifying story altogether) concludes with the men of the Tribe of Benjamin abducting (technically “raping”) 400 young virgin girls.  (Judges 21: 12) and then abducting (raping) even more women from Shiloh (Judges 21: 20 – 23).  Similar incidents are recorded in Numbers 31: 1 – 18 and Deuteronomy 20: 1 – 14. The ages are not specified – but they are “young” in the case of Judges 21 and “children” in Numbers and Deuteronomy.

We should also recall that, while a specific age for marriage (and sex) isn’t recorded in the bible – the appropriate age for marriage (and sex) was much younger in the ancient world than it is today.  “In Egypt girls were married between the ages of twelve and fourteen, and young men between fourteen and twenty.  In Greece girls were usually between fourteen and twenty, and men usually between twenty and thirty.  In Rome, at the time of Augustus, the legal minimum age for girls was twelve, and for boys fourteen.  The Talmud recommends marriage for girls at the age of puberty, which would be between twelve or thirteen (Yebam. 62b).  Males are encouraged to marry between fourteen and eighteen.  A girl younger than twelve-and-a-half, according to Talmudic law, could not refuse a marriage arranged by her father. " [i]

(The similar, but still different, issue of Pederasty (a homosexual relationship between an adult male and a pubescent or adolescent boy) might be discussed in some of Paul’s writings in the New Testament –but that point is debated.)

Is this a biblical endorsement of pedophilia, or sex with children for today’s world?  Hardly.  But we would probably lump these things into discussions of pedophilia.  The ancient world was different from ours today. Their values and cultural norms are not ours.  Even if (IF! )it could be shown that the Bible endorses pedophilic sex, that does not mean that we are beholden to accept it in our society today.  Slavery and genocide were once thought acceptable biblical practices…

The APA is not saying that pedophilia is okay.  The DSM-V does not classify it as an orientation. 

Let’s take a breath and relax a little.  We can discuss these issues (as troubling and discomfiting as they may be) without an emotional freakout. 

---

[i] Anchor Bible Dictionary Volume IV “Marriage (OT and ANE)” Victor P. Hamilton – page 562-3

Biblical Limericks: Gullet…That’s a Funny Word

Fat Eglon, the Moabite king, met
with Ehud, the judge, who was dead set
on murdering the king
but in their brief meeting
Ehud’s sword got stuck in the king’s gullet.

Judges 3: 21 - 22

Biblical Limericks: Not Exactly a Love Story

The concubine fled after their fight,
the Levite trailed to prove he was right,
but when threatened by men
who were set upon sin,
he left her to be gang raped all night.

Judges 19

I wrote a more expansive limerick version of this same story earlier this year.

Excavators Uncover Samson’s Jawbone

After 7 years of excavating Ramath Lehi, archaeologist Arnold Snodgrass announced today that he may have discovered the jawbone that Samson, the famed Israelite judge of the Iron age, used to kill 1,000 Philistines.

“Everything that we’ve been able to test indicates that this is the jawbone swung by that mighty hero,” said Snodgrass in a telephone interview.

“The age of the bone appears to be about right. And it is covered in what looks like blood stains.  We’ll know for sure when the tests come back from the lab.”   

 In addition to the jawbone, members of Snodgrass’ team discovered a number of other bones as well, some of which “could be human bones, could even be the bones of Samson’s Philistine victims.” Also found at the site were broken bits of pottery, and a sandal thong.

When asked if he felt that perhaps his team was rushing to judgment in he answered, “With the recent discoveries of King David’s palace at Khirbet Qeiyafa and the Prophet Elisha’s house in Tel Rehov, we felt like we had to announce our discovery to the press.  The time was right; the interest was there in the public. And our grant money is running out…”

Biblical Limericks: Samson Reconsidered

Would Samson be thought a great leader,
if we saw through his saintly veneer?
We must face the harsh fact
that in his final act
he was the first suicide bomber.

Judges 16: 23 - 31

Biblical Limericks: Shibboleth

Jephthah told all the men of his team,
“Here’s how we’ll find men of Ephraim:
we will give them a test-
say the word Shibboleth;
if he can’t say it right, you kill him.”

Judges 12: 4 - 6

Biblical Limericks: Never Let It Be Said…

As a king, Abimelech was flawed,
he ran over his subjects roughshod;
at Thebez he was crowned
with a mill-stone thrown down
by a woman whom we should all laud.

Abimelech, he fell down slack-jawed,
asked his page to pierce him with a rod,
“For it cannot be said
when I am good and dead
that I was killed by a lousy broad!”

Judges 9: 50 - 54

Biblical Limericks: Most Ghoulish

Jephthah made a vow that was foolish
and kept it because he was mulish;
even though his daughter
was what he would offer,
he made a sacrifice most ghoulish.

Judges 11: 29 – 40

Biblical Limericks: Shamgar!

Shamgar lived by a curious code,
fought in an unconventional mode;
he killed at one time
six-hundred Philistines
using only a measly ox goad.

Judges 3: 31

Biblical Limericks: Oh My!

There once was a man from Ephraim

whose concubine ran away from him;
she fled to her father
who promptly returned her
to the Levite who took her again.

On their way home they stopped for the night
in Gibeah, as anyone might.
When the mob came to rape
the man made his escape
allowing her to suffer his plight.

In the morning he said, “We must fly,”
but the woman could make no reply.
So he carried her home
to divide up her bones
and her flesh into twelve parts, oh my!

Judges 19

More Biblical Limericks - Judges 3:12 - 23

Ehud the man was skilled with both hands,
strapped his sword to his thigh with a band;
stabbed the king as he sat,
saw the sword lost in fat,
and escaped through the window as planned.