Resurrection Comes Slowly

 There was little good in that Good Friday four years ago. Everything changes. Everything is always changing. That was the day that everything changed. That was the day that my now ex wife moved out. 

I’d planned to go to work as normal in the morning. I thought I could be gone while she left, that I could focus on work and not think about it. But I’d forgotten or failed to notice (a lot slipped by me in those days) that we had that day off. So I couldn’t avoid it. I decided instead to take my camera to a nearby wildlife preserve and to spend the day taking pictures of wild flowers and wild beasts. 

I almost offered to help her load the rental truck instead of going to the park. Not because I was eager to see her gone, but because I was desperate for her to stay. Make of that what you will; I don’t understand it. 

But the wildlife preserve was a waste. I don’t know why I bothered to bring my camera. There was no art in me. No life. No clarity of thought or vision. No sight. If there were blooms, I don’t remember them. If there were birds, I didn’t hear them. I was oblivious. Senseless. 

All I remember is that it was grey, and overcast, and cold that day Or I was. I was grey, and overcast, and cold. 

I hiked around the park for several hours. I took no photos. I ate lunch in Des Moines but I don’t remember what I ate. I wasted time  for as long as I could and then I came home to an empty house. She was gone. The kids were gone. The pets were gone. (We had agreed that she would take the dog and leave the cat with me- but she lied and took both.)

I don’t remember that Saturday at all. I was in a grave of my own. 

Sunday came. Easter. Resurrection Sunday. I walked to church, struggling to pull myself together. But as soon as we sang the first hallelujah, it all fell apart. I fled the sanctuary in tears. 

Four years later, I’m alive and happy again but I remember the hurt. I remember the desperation. Even the risen Christ told his followers not to cling to him - did it hurt too much?- and retained the scars of his execution. 

I am alive and happy again but resurrection comes slowly and often times the wounds are still visible.