A Medical Emergency Special Report

     This is a Channel $4 live action special news break. We go live to Chip Rofloxacin.

    “We are receiving reports this evening that County General Hospital is being overwhelmed by a medical crisis. Double-vision doctors and night-shift nurses, already short-staffed due to Medicare cutbacks are struggling to manage a surge of hundreds of inconvenient emergencies.”

    “One doctor, who declined to be identified, told us of multiple cases of explosive diarrhea caused by disingenuous political adverts. It’s a clear case of Misinformational Infection. The worst I’ve seen in twenty years of practice.”

    Other reported outbreaks include:

    Vertigo Campaign Imbalance

    Pundit-Induced Renal Failure – symptoms include: fatigue, shortness of breath, and an inability to think for oneself.

    Judicial Spinal Constriction – appointed for life.

    Family Values Thorax Collapse – accompanied by extreme flatulence.

    Chronic Scatmouth - a persistent inability to stop talking shit. Highly contagious.

    and Acute Principle Paralysis – which requires a complete quarantine of anyone over the age of twelve. Individuals in office over the age of sixty-five seem especially susceptible, with secondary symptoms including: Senatorial Fever and Congressional Malaise.

    “The part-time director of the CDC insists there is no need to panic and certainly no cause for government intervention. The infection is easily contained with the dispensation of dubious drugs. If you believe you or someone you know may be at risk, seek advice from a trusted wellness celebrity.”