Flashed Before His Eyes

    The flash and bang. All is dark.

    00:03 [Number Withheld] South Cherry Drive

    All is silent.

    00:04 Caller says that male subject has just shot himself.

    That summer of impotent flirtation, singing songs from Fiddler on the Roof to crack her toothy smile. Following her blue eyes across the crowded room. Holding secret hands. Laughing into her laughter.

    00:08 Caller believes subject is deceased.

    Rain in the woods. Minnesota north shore in October. Hiking up to the lighthouse. “We’re just happy.” Was she? Ever? Living beneath fallen skies.

    00:17 Call back ambulance needed at [Number Withheld] South Cherry Drive.

    How difficult it truly was then, a process of discipline to trust myself, to do the things I said I would do, no matter how hard. Awkward. I want to be the friend my friends think I am.

    00:20 Caller says that a man shot himself there. The gun is still on scene. Confirm.

    Scratch five wide and four deep, broken loose, lightning struck. Loose tooth. Sitting at the screen door to watch the rain. Old enough to remember hope bending backwards like a tango kiss. Mom is in the kitchen making dinner.

    00:22 Caller believes the subject is deceased. Killed himself.

    This face, her face through eyes dimmed with tears, a hand confessing. Remember her drinking from a glass. I realize that name. I never knew it true. Someone I knew?

    00:30 Paramedics on route.

    Beneath the arms of an enormous cactus. Syncope event. Catch her. Any idea what went wrong? You love someone. Who knows what they will think. What they will say? Find shade and water before she faints. Was it a mistake? Maybe. All of it.

    00:52 One Six One is on scene. Thank you One Six One.

    A month of endless rain and days without the sun. A small and interdigitated world. Part of the ruptured whole. Maybe I’ve misremembered it all. Maybe I’ve...

    01:14 One Six One confirms: subject is deceased.