Selections from the Apostle Paul Crouch's Letter to the Corinthians

I wrote this back in 2004.  It was originally published in the now defunct The Wittenburg Door magazine (July/August 2004 Issue No. 194).

Selections from the Apostle Paul Crouch’s letter to the Corinthians (TBN translation)

1: 1 –9 ‘Paul Crouch, called by the will of God and proven in the Bible Codes to be the founder of the TBN Network to the television stations of Corinth – to those who will watch our broadcasts and who are willing to contribute to our ministry – we have a special offer for you this month if you will send a gift of fifty dollars…’

1: 17 – 22 ‘After all, Christ sent me not to baptize, but to spread the gospel by the miracle of satellite television.  The message of TBN is foolish for those who are heresy hunters, but for us it is the road to prosperity.  As scripture says: Heretic Hunters are going straight to Hell.  Where are the debaters of this age? I am a little god walking around the earth.  Critics, be gone!  While they are looking for doctrine we are demonstrating miracle after miracle, each greater than the last.’

3: 5 – 7 ‘For what is Benny, and what is Paul Crouch?  The servants through whom you came to believe in TBN, and each of us has all the luxury the Lord has given him.  I did the planting of the network, Benny the healing crusades – but God gave us our faith partners, as each of you gave your monthly gift.  In this, neither the network or the crusades count for anything; only those who contribute to our ministries.’

3:11 – 13 ‘For nobody can lay down any other foundation than the one which is already here, namely the contributions of our faith partners.  On this foundation we have built in gold and silver, jewels and hand-carved mahogany, but each persons work will be shown for what it is.  The Day which dawns in fire will make it clear and the fire will test the quantity of your donations.’

4: 1- 4 ‘People should think of us as Christ’s bankers, entrusted with the monies of God.  It is of no importance to me how you or any other human court may judge me – save that the IRS doesn’t rescind our 501c3 status.  I will not even judge myself.  My conscience doesn’t bother me.  Critics, be gone!’

4: 4 – 17 ‘I am writing all of this not to make you ashamed, but simply to remind you, as my dear partners for even though you might have ten thousand dollars you need to sow a larger seed of faith.  That is why I urge you to pick up the phone right now and make your pledge to keep our worldwide ministry on the air.’

9: 1 – 18 ‘Am I not free?  Am I not the founder of the largest Christian broadcast network? Have I not had my own personal visions from God?  Are you not my partners in ministry in the TBN network?  Even if to others I am not prophet of God, to you at any rate, I am; for you are the source of all my income.  To those who want to interrogate me, this is my answer:  Critics, be gone!  Have we not the right to live in luxury and prosperity as God promised we would?  And every right to be accompanied by Christian wife with layers of make-up and mascara?  What soldier would ever serve in the army at his own expense?  And who is there who would plant a vineyard and never eat the fruit from it; or would keep a flock and not feed on the milk from his flock?  Don’t think this is merely secular wisdom.  Does not the Old Testament say somewhere ‘You must not muzzle an ass while it is treading the corn’?  Is it about asses that God is concerned here or is it not said entirely for our sake?  Clearly it was written about us.  Send your contributions now.  And it’s only right that I should avail myself to this prosperity.  No one shall take from me the ground for boasting.  In fact, spreading the TBN network gives me the right to boast about what God has done for me.  In my preaching I can’t afford to offer the gospel free of charge.  That’s why I need your faith pledge, friends.  Send your gift today – so that I can continue to boast about the network.’

14: 26 – 33 ‘Then what should a Praise The Lord broadcast be like, brothers?  When you come together each of you should bring a psalm, or an emotional tearful testimony, or a southern gospel musical number.  But make sure everyone brings in their love gift donations.  Let all these things (especially those donations) be done in a way that will build up the network.  If there are to be any people speaking in a tongue make sure he or she has the microphone and the spotlight.  Also make sure the audience is shouting as loudly as they can.  Have them jump up and wave their hands and fall down, slain in the spirit; we want as much commotion as we can get on the screen, let me hear you make some Holy Ghost crazy noise.’ 

16: 1 – 2 ‘Now about the collection for God’s holy network, TBN, you should right now make the largest pledge of faith you can.  One hundred dollars or one thousand dollars.  On the first day of the month you should send in your check, and do not delay.’ 

16: 21 –22 ‘ This greeting is in my own handwriting – Paul Crouch.  If there is anyone who does not love and support TBN, may a curse be on his head.  He is going straight to Hell.  Maran antha – the Lord is coming (hopefully during a live broadcast so that we can catch the rapture on video for all those who will be left behind without the benefit of regular TBN broadcasts.

Post Script -  A special gift will be sent to you when you send your largest love gift this month.  P.C.

Quiet Geology - a Thatjeffcarter Remix

That Icelandic musical pixie, Bjork, has partnered with Beatport.com  for a remix contest.  Artists are challenged to translate her song Mutual Core into something altogether new.

Here is my entry: Mutual Core (Quiet Geology Mix - by Thatjeffcarter)





Because the song's lyrics make numerous references to geological formations and processes I tried to give my remix the sound of deep caverns, slow moving glaciers, and violent geothermal hot-springs.

I shuffle around the tectonic plates in my chest.

You know I gave it all,

Try to match our continents

To change seasonal shift,

To form a mutual core.

As fast as your fingernail grows,

The Atlantic ridge drifts

To counteract distance.

You know I gave it all,

Can you hear the effort of the magnetic strife?

Shuffling of columns

To form a mutual core.

This eruption undoes stagnation.

You didn't know I had it in me,

Withheld your love, an unspent capsule.

I didn't know you had it in you,

You hid the key to our continuity.

I didn't know you had it in you.

This eruption undoes stagnation.

You didn't know, you didn't know.

What you resist persists, nuance makes heat

To counteract distance

I know you gave it all,

Offered me harmony if things were done your way.

My Eurasian plate subsumed,

Forming a mutual core.

This eruption undoes stagnation.

You didn't know I had it in me,

Withheld your love, an unspent capsule.

I didn't know you had it in you.

This eruption undoes stagnation

You didn't know I had it in me

This eruption undoes stagnation

You didn't know, you didn't know.

Who Are These Dogs and Swine?

I recently received an email from one of my sisters-in-law asking me to share my thoughts about Matthew 7:6.  "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do they may trample them under their feet,and then turn and tear you to pieces." (NIV)

So I shared with her the following observations:

- This aphorism is found in a cluster of unrelated teachings... part of the larger whole known as the "Sermon on the Mount" in Matthew's gospel - though it's not really much of a "sermon." It seems like Matthew has arranged some of the various collected teachings of Jesus into this grouping within his narrative.

-This aphorism is only found in Matthew's gospel.  Luke's very similar "Sermon on the Plain" does not include this teaching.

- Based on Matthew's frequent citation of Hebrew prophets and other factors in his writing, it is usually agreed that Matthew wrote his gospel for a Jewish audience - and it is in this context that the reference to dogs and pigs should probably be understood. Both dogs and pigs were considered unclean by the Jewish people.  Pigs were specifically forbidden and Dogs - though not explicitly defined as unclean -  were considered to be scavengers and carrion-eaters.

- And both were used as terms for Gentiles.

The somewhat softened interpretation of Jesus' words is usually said to be 'don't waste valuable things (scripture / participation in the holy) on those who are unable  or unwilling to appreciate them.'  But a more nuanced (and harsher) examination of this verse indicates that it was probably an injunction against sharing the gospel with Gentiles.

But that seems to stand very contrary to what Jesus actually did in his ministry (even as described in Matthew's gospel):  He shared the good news with a Roman Centurion, gentile demoniacs, and a Canaanite woman (whom Jesus even referred to as a "dog"...)

One early Christian writing (the Didache) applies this verse to the sharing of communion: "Let none eat or drink you Eucharist except those who have been baptized in the name of the Lord.  It was concerning this that the Lord said, 'Do not give to dogs what is holy.'"

I doubt very much that Jesus wanted us to be exclusionary with the gospel - he after all commissioned his disciples to take it to "all nations" (and "the nations" was often a euphemism for the Gentiles in the Hebrew bible).  So who are these dogs and swine?

A -50 Shades of Grey - That I Would Consider Reading

Poor Little Pluto

Consider the case of poor little Pluto:  once welcomed into the orbits of the other great planets, now removed from place and glory among the planetary community, reduced in status to a mere “dwarf planet” or “ice dwarf,” a “trans-Neptunian object,” or, insultingly a “plutoid”   It is, as the song says: not quite a planet and not quite steam.

In the early 1900s astronomer Percival Lowell – who had funded the Lowell observatory in Flagstaff Arizona, began an extensive search for “Planet X” – a giant gas planet like Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune – out beyond the orbit of Neptune.   His telescopes scanned the heavens ceaselessly until his death in 1916 – but he never found this planet X.

Planet X wasn’t, of course, the only thing that Percival Lowell looked for but didn’t find.  Lowell was convinced that he’d found the ‘canals of Mars’ originally described by the Italian astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli.  Lowell made intricate maps and drawings of theses canals -which he theorized were built by some form of intelligent but desperate beings who needed to draw water from the polar ice caps to the inhabited regions of the planet.   We’ve looked and looked but never found these canals or any other sign of intelligent life on our next-door neighbor planet.

But back to Pluto.  Percival Lowell died never having found his mysterious Planet X, and the search died with him.

It wasn’t until 1929 that the search was resumed.  A 23 year old, Clyde Tombaugh from Kansas, was hired by the Lowell Observatory.  After a year of observing and photographing the stars he found the long sought Planet X.  It was named Pluto – after the Greek god of the underworld , a fitting name for such a dark and cold planet, and because the first two letters formed a memorial to the late Percival Lowell.

The world was ecstatic.  In 1930 Walt Disney introduced a new sidekick for his mouse – the dog Pluto. In 1941 a newly created element was named in the new planet’s honor – Plutonium.

The only problem was that this newly found Pluto was not at all what Percival Lowell had been looking for.  It was not the Giant gas planet like Jupiter and Saturn that he’d predicted.  It was a tiny – miniscule chunk of ice.  In fact, what was originally believed to be the planet Pluto was actually two separate bodies – the planet and its moon.  Pluto is smaller than the other planets, smaller, in fact, than many of the moons in our solar system. 

In 2006 the International Astronomical Union set a definition of planet which excluded the tiny chunk of ice known as Pluto.  Poor Little Pluto.

Out a ways in the solar system
Pluto lies so cold and distant

12345678 planets from the sun

Right about here in the solar system
lie you and I so cold and distant
I guess you could say we’re not having any fun

Not quite a planet and not quite steam
Pluto’s caught right in between
Not quite a planet and not quite steam
Pluto’s caught right in between

Some things they may fall apart
and sometimes love may break your heart
and sometimes I may lose my way
and Pluto is now yesterday.